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        The small black boy adjusted his cape and cowl, and knocked on the door. It creaked open. A large yellow eye hung in the crevice. The pupil awkwardly shifted, straining to see. Below the eye, a large cavernous mouth breathed slowly and deep, drooling black spit onto the welcome mat below. The boy watched the vile liquid seep into the mat.

        “Shit, you some kinda monstah?”

        A green tongue lurched out of its gnarled mouth and licked its gums, savoring the dark saliva.

        “Trick or treat, monstah.”

        The boy held out a yellowed pillowcase. He stomped his foot and raised his chin.

        “Which is it, man?”

        The monster licked its mouth in a circular motion. Its gutter-like teeth appeared from the blackness.

        “Drahdge,” the monster spat.

        “Oh shit,” the boy exclaimed.

        The monster pushed the door open. The silver smell of blood made the boy’s head fly back. A woman lay twisted on the floor with her neck’s bones sticking out of her skin. Her stomach pumped up and down as she breathed. The boy smiled brightly.

        “Man, that lady be jacked. Shit looks real.”

        The monster shuffled to the living room and sat beside the fireplace. A small fire crackled as it burned the torso of a young girl. Her skin bubbled as it melted off. The eyes were empty sockets and the mouth had a sharp upturn.

        “Shit, I like that.”

        The monster lifted his hand to his mouth and chewed on his own knuckles.

        “I like your place, man. Real tight.”

        The monster nodded, took his left boot off, and held it out to the boy.

        “Nah, don’t want your shoe, man. Can’t take that. Wouldn’t even fit me.”

        The boy shoved it back. The monster turned the boot over. An ear laid embedded in the sole’s rubber. He lifted it to his mouth and nibbled on the earlobe, smiling.

        “You do some freaky shit, man. ‘Ey what’s my treat – my prize?”

        The monster held a single finger up. He shuffled down the hall and came back stroking something in his hand. A severed cat’s head stood crooked on his hand. Its tongue limped down beneath its chin.

        “Wow,” the boy said. He barked and grabbed the cat’s head by an ear and crawled on the floor while grunting.

        The monster stood and motioned the boy with his head. The boy followed, bouncing from excitement. They walked into the bathroom, and the monster pointed at the bathtub. The boy laughed.

        “Is that blood? No way, man. That ain’t blood. Fool me? Nah. Shit.”

        The monster pointed to his tongue, stuck his tongue out, and pointed at the tub.

        “What? Taste it? OK.”

        The boy jumped into the tub, splashing the walls and the monster’s legs.

        “Fuck! It be cold.”

        The monster pointed at the tub’s liquid. The boy grew serious and stuck his face down slowly. He looked at his murky reflection in the clumpy red as he lowered closer, and looked up to the monster for approval with his tongue hanging out. The monster grunted. The boy looked away, and the monster jumped into the tub and shoved the boy’s head into the faucet, breaking it off. The boy sat up with the corner of his eye bleeding and wailed out a cry. The monster reached into his breast pocket and removed a large pair of pliers, and clamped them down onto the boy’s nose, and fought, ripping the cartilage and bone off. A steady stream of blood rushed out. The monster quickly covered the boy’s nose with his large mouth and inhaled the blood. The boy cried and struggled, splashing in the red bath. The monster released him and coughed sporadically until it turned into a deep laughter.

        The doorbell rang.
©2008-2009 *deZtornmind
:icondeztornmind:

Author's Comments

A Halloween night.

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:iconblasphemous-preist:
This is very well done. But something about it feels wrong, almost unfinished you know?

But well done indeed.

--
gotteslästerlichen-Geistliche.
:iconravenofroses:
lovelylovely concept. i quite like the characters.

but your descriptions of events and characters seem...dead? something like that. the energy isnt there. and now for the random critique:

"The boy watched the vile liquid seep into the mat." --dont need, the paragraph is complete without it.

"The silver smell of blood made the boy’s head fly back." --perhaps "the boy's head flew back at the silver smell of blood"? make the action more intimate. it makes it that much more uncomfortable.

"He barked and grabbed the cat’s head by an ear and crawled on the floor while grunting." --who did this, now?

also, the last paragraph before the ending is rather...sudden. you crammed too much action into too dense a space, and as a result, the quality suffers.

however, the ending was quite perfect. good work on that one. ^^^

--
Now be a good little girl and drink your medicine...

Ave Atque Vale

(member of darkclub [link] , [link] , [link] , [link] and The-Cruxshadows )
:iconlpowell:
Bitchin. I like it, just a few things to point out:

"An ear laid embedded in the sole’s rubber."
"The monster pointed at the tub’s liquid."

Why do you do this, have the noun always possess the material it contains/is made of? The first part would flow much better if it read "rubber sole," and "tub's liquid" is just odd—the tub doesn't own the liquid, the liquid just sits inside. "Liquid in the tub" would make much more sense.

"The boy sat up with the corner of his eye bleeding and wailed out a cry."
"Wailed out a cry" is redundant. "Wailed" or "cried out" is fine, not both.

:thumbsup:
:icondeztornmind:
Thanks for pointing out the possession. The incorrect way just makes more sense to me, but I'll use it correctly in the future. I've been reading a book on grammar for the past two months. I literally fall asleep while reading it. I'm still at it though.
:iconjohanalee:
Yeah, grammers a bizitch.... Reading it would bore me to sleep too!

--
The potion drunk by lovers is prepared by noone but themselves. This potion is one's whole existance~~Anais Nin
:icontyrobia:
I liked the monster's character. Very interesting. However, the black kid seemed cliche. Just a stereotype of what we would see white kids interpretting as black kids in suburban neighborhoods. If you want to do a ghetto black kid justice, you've gotta give him the right vernacular. Otherwise, you'll just end up with a Jaime Kennedy clone.

The story itself seems a little rushed to me, I didn't get much out of it. There were some passages where I didn't know who's point of view the paragraph was addressed toward. Especially the "He barked and grabbed the cat’s head by an ear and crawled on the floor while grunting." line.

Overall, I think it flowed well. I just believe that with a little research on accents and styles of speech, you can make this even better.
:icondeztornmind:
Thanks for the feedback. For the black kid, I was going for a comedic approach instead of realistic. I fully understand though how it feels cliche, but that's a spin off comedy. If you read 'Death Comes Halloween', the black kids in that story are more realistic. It's good to hear that it can be misinterpreted so that I can lean it more towards realism to avoid any issues.

The story feels rushed to me as well. Its gimmick is the surprises the monster keeps revealing, which starts to die rather quick the way I did it. I got a heads up before on that line you suggested as ill point of view, and I agree.

Research is a real brick wall for me. I understand that research can improve your work and bring more depth to subjects, but it can be taxing at times. I do research on a handful on things here and there, but I haven't decided to go very deep in research yet. It's a philosophical decision for me. You have writing that has a subtle barrier of fantasy on it (the lack of research route), which is quick-paced and creative on various subjects because of lack of knowledge, or the other route (full research), which can be very informative and dry. I find myself tuning out when I read books full of stated facts and knowledge.

I noticed that you haven't been posting prose. Are you going to write anything else?
:icontyrobia:
I'm actually working on a piece right now, it'll be posted within the next few days.

As for the research, I agree with you 100% on how dry it can get if you know too much, but the magic of writing is knowing how much to put in and what to leave up to common sense. Speech choice is second nature.

But as for my prose, I'm taking your advice and I'm being more careful on my writing...I'm actually doing drafts instead of freewriting and posting. I'll note you when it's finished.

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