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Doin' Lines With The Devil by *deZtornmind:icondeZtornmind:





        Rain pounded against the top of the car. Rosco and Bozolli sat inside.

        “I don’t know about this shit anymore, man,” Bozolli said. “Shit’s too tame. We gotta step it up, ya know?”

        “You, fuckin’ step it up?” Rosco asked. “Fuckin’ death of you, man. You ain’t getting paid to fuckin’ lap your plate however you choose. C’mon, we got work to do.”

        The two men stepped out of the car into the downfall. They wore tattered overcoats. Rosco had on a brimmed hat. Bozolli blew smoke past the strands hanging over his eyes like a dog. His cold, blue eyes held thoughts that a guy like him shouldn’t be thinking.

        “I just don’t think we’re takin’ shit far as we can.”

        “Don’t be pullin’ wise shit now, man. We collect and we hit the road. You can have a few drinks after, find some fresh pussy, and shut your eyes for the night. Forget this steppin’-it-up shit. We’re doin’ alright, ain’t we? We’re hired muscle, so fuckin’ what? We get jobs. We deliver. No bullshit included. Thank you very much.”

        Rosco and Bozolli got out of the car and crossed the street into an old, ruined apartment building. They walked up the cracking stairs at a casual pace. Rosco rubbed his hands, keeping them from getting stiff. Bozolli kept his head down, looking at the worn parts of the floor. There were yellow shapes obscured that looked like faces.

        “You watch the Cub’s game last night?” Rosco asked.

        Bozolli lifted his eyes; a smudge of contemplation lingered. He shook it.

        “Nah.”

        “This fuckin’ guy.” Rosco pointed to Bozolli with his hand open. He sighed. “You ain’t touchin' the dope no more, right?”

        “Yea, it’s been a while. Dealer probably thinks I ate the fuckin’ big one.”

        “Hey, I’m proud of you, man. That shit’s for chumps. Let him think you’re dead.”

        They reached the fifth story and walked down the hall. Dim, yellow lights lit the stretch. They stopped at the last door. The light cast their shadows on the door in front of them.

        “Room 509. Mr. Vast, here we come.” Rosco knocked on the door. “Knock, knock, motherfucker.” Rosco cracked his head to the side.

        Bozolli flicked his hair back. He wore a snarl on his face.

        “I said ‘knock, knock, motherfucker’,” Rosco said. “Oh, maybe he ain’t home.” He smirked. “Fuckin’ impolite not to open for your guests.”

        Bozolli patted Rosco on the chest, took three steps back, and rushed the door. It crashed open. The darkness of the room flooded out and sucked in their shadows. Bozolli entered with Rosco following.

        “You see a light switch?” Rosco asked.

        Bozolli walked to the back of the room and stopped at a desk. A man sat slouched over in a chair. Bozolli grabbed him by his collar and lifted him to his height.

        “Ah, shit,” Bozolli said.

        “Here we go.” Rosco pulled a chain link and let it go. The light bulb swung in circles, lighting different parts of the room in an orbit.

        “He’s dead,” Bozolli said. Blood slid off the man’s throat.

        “What? That’s our job. Fuckin’ cocksucker can’t kill himself.”

        “Well, I don’t think he’s waking up anytime soon, Rosco.”

        Bozolli still held the man. Its limp head pulled downwards in a bob. He lifted the chin and beheld an arc of sliced flesh.

        “Ah, fuck,” Bozolli said.

        “How long you gonna hold him for. Jesus.”

        “Rosco, how many fucks have you known that’ve cut their own throats?” Bozolli traced the wound with his finger. “It don’t happen, man.”

        “Maybe he’s making up for low numbers. I don’t fuckin’ know. Just drop the son of a bitch and help me find something worth bringing back to Zioli – ‘fore we look like that cocksucker swimming in his own blood.”

        Bozolli dropped the man. The body sank, the limbs turned and rolled. Rosco pulled open a closet and papers fell down atop him.

        “Motherfucker.”

        Bozolli looked at the corpse.

        “Why’d you do it, man,” he asked it.

        He opened a long drawer in the man’s desk. A plastic bag of colored powder lay in his sight. It was over-packed and bulged with a plumpness that looked attractive to him. His eyes darted up. Rosco was upturning furniture. Bozolli licked his lips and fell into an ecstatic nostalgia of doing blow and getting the rush. He checked Rosco, snatched the bag, and shoved it in his pocket. He kicked the desk over with a grunt.

        “You finding anything, Bozolli?”

        “Nah, this fuck spent every dime he had. Ain’t nothing here.”

        “Yea, fuck this guy. I’m thirsty. Hey, you wanna grab a beer or something?”

        “I’ll meet up with ya. I need to take care of somethin' first.”

        “Alright. Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

        Rosco and Bozolli raced down the stairs. They stood under an awning by the car. The rain didn’t let up. The streets were soaked; trash floated by and dropped down the gutters. Rosco slapped Bozolli on the back.

        “Give me a call, we’ll find some broads.”

        Bozolli nodded.

        “You wanna ride?”

        “Nah, I’ll walk.” Bozolli lifted his hand in a wave. His mind jumped to the powder in his pocket.

        He jogged over to the subway entrance and descended the stairs. He held the bag in his pocket, gripping it firmly, liking the way it felt in his hand. Picking up his speed, he brushed by people, avoiding faces. He entered the men’s room and headed to a sink for the mirror. The piss yellow light of the room was bright. His eyes adjusted with his returned dominion. He fought the anxiety coursing through his body.

        Bozolli walked into an open stall and latched it. He carefully took out the plastic bag and held it to his eyes. The powder was a potent, dark red. It looked as if old Mr. Vast had cut his throat over the coke. He opened the bag, dabbed it with his pinky, and brought it to his tongue. Sulfur laced it with a sting. He lifted his eyebrows and his upper lip in contempt.

        “I fuckin’ dig.”

        Bozolli reached for his wallet. He slid a razorblade out.

        “Good to see you, old friend,” he said to the blade.

        He poured the powder onto the toilet paper dispenser. A large pile of the red sat in a clump. With practiced skill, he spread the powder into six lines – the perfect length, the perfect width. Bozolli smiled for the first time in a while. He slid the razorblade back into his wallet and took out a dollar bill. He pinched an end and rolled it. Wiping the sweat from his forehead, he bent down for the line. Bozolli held his left nostril closed and inhaled a line smoothly. He tilted his head back and inhaled again.

        “Man, that shit’s pure.”

        He licked his pinky and lifted some powder to his gums. Nodding his head, he put George Washington down for another line. Deep inhales followed. Music crept into his mind, an industrial beat of pistons shooting in and out, in queue with his breath. The drip hit him. His eyes sparked. Water dripped from his hair into his mouth. Sweet, dirty rain soaked into his tongue. He nodded his head harder to the music. He held the other nostril closed and snorted a line. The sulfur-like, bitter taste hit the back of his throat.

        Bozolli drove his fist into the stall’s side. It dented and sent a ripple of pain through his fist. He banged his head to the industrial sounds.

        “Hey, fuckin’ watch it, buddy!” A man said from the stall over.

        Bozolli did the last three lines in quick succession. He fumbled the bag of powder open and tossed more of the hellish dust onto the toilet dispenser case. His shoulders and torso were now in the rhythm of the hypnotic sounds. At lightning speed, he crafted the lines, dashing the razorblade side-to-side, extracting the fine powder.

        Inhaling and sniffing the dust, the drip became more noticeable. The numbing feeling raced through his throat. He bit his thumb and swished the chalky powder around his mouth. Laughter hit him, tears rolled down his cheeks and slid into his mouth. An iron-like saltiness hit his taste buds. He leaned over and did three more lines, and stared up to the ceiling, still inhaling. He closed the plastic bag and stuck it in his jacket pocket.

        With his throbbing fist, he punched down the stall door with a ferocity he hadn’t felt before. He inhaled hard and stretched the muscles in his neck, straining them out. He screamed a growl and flexed his hands, tensing his whole body.

        “Fuckin’ nut,” a man at the sink said.

        Bozolli grabbed his throat and threw him into the tile wall, pinning him. Bozolli’s inhaling was hard and consistent; the music pulsed deafening loud in his ears.

        “Get the fuck – off me, you fuck. I’ll – kill ya, you son of a bitch.” The man gasped for air.

        Bozolli cupped the man’s upper-row of teeth with his left hand and the lower-row with his right. He shook violently with sweat pouring off his face in rushes. The salty taste flooded his throat, liquid and wet; it rolled over his tongue, down his throat. Bozolli roared. He ripped the man’s mouth apart.

        Gagging and coughing, drool and spit flew from his mouth in gobs. A short man with a newspaper entered the bathroom, saw Bozolli, and ran out with saucer-like eyes. Bozolli pulled harder on both sides and a final scream flooded out of the man’s mouth. His jaw cracked and disconnected. Blood streamed out. The man’s eyes rolled back into his head.

        Bozolli rocked back-and-forth, inhaling and exhaling hard. He spit phlegm and looked down, surprised to see blood. He rushed over to the mirror and viewed his reflection. Splattered red covered his face. The salty taste of it was thick in his mouth. He ran in a scurried fall out the bathroom, down the hall, up the stairs, and back into the rain’s downfall.

        Bozolli breathed hard and let the rain wash over his face. He looked up at the moon. The craters formed a shape that he swore was the devil himself.
©2007-2009 *deZtornmind
:icondeztornmind:

Author's Comments

Two men are doin' a job. One of them finds a bag of coke, but this ain't your Easter Bunny white stash.

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Critiques


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:iconorangebat:
<3
I'm speechless
:iconmaskedvengeance:
I'll be honest with you here: I didn't read the whole piece.

Why? The layout. It's everywhere. Decide how many lines you want to have between each speaker, and don't indent. Stick to the layout, instead of throwing it about everywhere, and it'd be a hell of a lot easier to read.

I have no clue what the content is now, and neither do I want to if it's going to be an effort for me to find out.

--
Skill comes from determination, yet determination requires skill...?
:icondeztornmind:
The layout is fully intentional. It is proper writing to indent for dialogue and paragraphs. There’s a single space between each dialogue, which is connected via the same person talking and a double space between different speakers. I do take pride in the way I layout my stories, because I honestly care how the audience reads it. If you haven’t noticed, over 95% of the writers on DevArt don’t indent or have any consensus of a layout in their writing. I noticed even you can't be bothered to properly indent your work.

Do you have any valid comments or critiques?
:iconadeimantus:
I quite liked this. The dialogue is generally believable and holds interest. I would go into detail, but since you don't have "Advanced Critique Encouraged," I'll make a few general remarks. I think you could improve this by reducing the number of passive constructions. You want sharp and punchy verbs, active verbs, in a piece like this. That would be the single most effective way to begin improving this. Other smaller issues, peppered throughout, would be better handled in detailed critique.

Thanks for posting this, and for the opportunity to read it. I appreciate it.

--
"A liberal is the guy who leaves the room when a fight starts."
- Big Bill Haywood
:iconlinoleumcadillac:
This is very well written. A little bit melodramatic for mob grunts though? I agree with Adeimantus that the verbs should be "sharp and punchy". Mob grunts aren't the boys in charge, so why should they get good words wasted on them? Their actions aren't poetic. When you describe something, your voice has got to take on the feel of what's going on, even if it's not in the first person. If the mafia'd kidnapped someone that had an IQ higher than 70, and they were describing it, it'd work. I can see how the words you used were in an attempt to make the peice darker, but it does kind of slow it down and make it a little more high-brow than it should be. If this was intentional, it's great. If not, then ya hear me.
:icondgenreteliterabbit:
this is some incredible gear man!

--
RUN, rabbit, run
dig that hole, forget the sun
and when at last the work is done
don't sit down, time to dig another one

steps taken forward
and sleepwalking back again...
encumbered forever by desire and ambition
:iconearthangel668:
This is a pretty aweful story id have to say... im sry but maybe some editing would be nice? and why all the language you sound like a poor soap opera, and to be honest I couldn't even finish the whole story without thinking about falling asleep... oh and dont ever diss my friend again.... have a great day :P

--
The world wants me to change... but they are the ones that stay the same...
:iconfallingpeace:
"The two men stepped out of the car into the downfall. Rosco was wearing an overcoat and a brimmed hat. Bozolli was wearing a similar coat with no hat. His hair hung in front of his eyes like a dog. A cold and thoughtful look set in his two, blue eyes."

For some odd reason this paragraph doesn't quite sit well with me. But, hey man, it's not my story to write. Somehow, my mind comprehends it as being overly repetitive, but let me move on. =)

"Deep inhales followed. Music crept into his mind, an industrial beat of pistons shooting in and out, in queue with his breath."

I fucking love that little bit right there. I think, for me, it's one of the more thought and image provoking lines of the whole thing. Bravo.

Also, the last couple of paragraphs, for me, were superb. I simply tried to read faster and faster. It's as if I already knew what was going to take place, and somehow you still roped me in.

I dig it. It's a pretty far-out piece of work, man. Left me with a question though... What next?

Great work, man.

--
“Destruction cometh; and they shall seek peace, and there shall be none.”

Ezekiel 7:25
:icongeneratinghype:
For the record, there are several manuals that cite acceptable internet formatting for text, such as Chicago and APA formats; MLA might even have a section now. No indents with spaces in between each paragraph are acceptable ways in which to format text on the internet; they are, in fact, proper. That said, I do not see your current formatting in this piece as distracting at all.

[The sound of rain pounded] against the top of the car. Inside sat two of Mr. Zioli’s grunts, Rosco and Bozolli.

First things first: redundancy. If rain is pounding against the top of the car, it's already making a sound; specifying such is unnecessary. Also, the passive voice present in the first line makes for a weak opening. You usually want to start with the most active and interest-catching lines, and passive voice is rarely the way to go about it.

“I don’t know about this shit anymore, man,” Bozolli said.

“Shit’s too tame, we gotta step it up, ya know?”


Technically, as the speaker does not change, your dialogue should not be separated onto different lines. The proper formatting, at least in every style guide I've ever read (with minor allowances for punctuation), is: "I don't know about this shit anymore, man," Bonzollu said. "Shit's too tame. We gotta step it up, ya know?"

“You[?] [F]uckin’ step up?” Rosco asked.

People generally do speak in fragments, especially in dialect. In that regard, I think the "You" would have more effect if you followed it with a question mark. I also wonder at the inconsistent use of the apostrophe. It's true that dialect in print should be represented with apostrophes to show the missing letters. Some people omit them completely, which drives me out of my mind; you, on the other hand, use it to mark your curse words but neglect it in words such as "gettin", and that is distracting to me. If you are very concerned about conventions and formatting and such, it might be best to be consistent with your usage throughout.

The two men stepped out of the car[, and] into the downfall. Either the comma + conjunction combination or else the comma alone; the comma alone would be a splice, but it wouldn't be inappropriate. [Rosco was wearing an overcoat and a brimmed hat. Bozolli was wearing a similar coat with no hat.] These descriptions lack flair; they feel like filler. You are creative with word choices, yet you neglect to spend as much time on your descriptions. Whereas dialogue and dialect seem to be your trick, the in-between descriptions definitely feel a bit, well--lazy. His hair hung in front of his eyes like a dog. Like a dog's? Otherwise this sentence is structured incorrectly, despite the implied image. A cold and thoughtful look set in his two, blue eyes. The comma is unnecessary. More than that, this paragraph is an example of that same lazy description. A good with a cold look and two blue eyes, eh? As compared to a goon with a Christmas face and one blue eye? And what does a thoughtful look look like, really? I do not mean to nitpick or come down hard on this, really, but I think you can do much, much better.

Were I to comment on the rest of this, it would be more of the same. I agree with *Adeimantus in that there are passive constructions and rather weak verbs and the like outside of the dialogue, and I also find that the inconsistent use of various punctuation marks, like the apostrophe, are distracting and could want for some cleaning up. You have a strong sense of voice, but that only lasts as long as a person's interest in your writing; formatting will not be the reason most people stop reading. The reason most people will stop reading is because you have nothing to carry you but inconsistent dialogue that is snappy and fun and "different" but not, necessarily, worthwhile or appropriate in regards to your characterization. Do not make yourself into a one-trick pony who uses shock-jock tactics over and over to hide less-than-stellar writing. You have the talent to craft voice and a strong style--two very hard things to teach--but I'd like to see you develop other aspects of your writing, too.

I hope some of this helped! I'd been meaning to stop-by since the note, but I've been distracted.

--
Suggest a Lit DD today!

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